Abner and Clem- An Intellectual Discourse on the “Stand Your Ground Law”
Abner: Howdy Clem. Anythin’ interestin’ agoin’ on lately in the news?
Clem: Matter of fact, they is!. They’s this ”Stand Yer Ground Law.” If’n you’re afeared o’ someone agoin’ t’ kill ya or even hurtin ya bad, instead o’ gittin’ outa’ hisn’s way like ya was a’taught t’do, ya can just akill the varmint outright. No need to warn him or anythin’, jest shoot him! Guy said he got so ascared o’ some Nigra teenagers in a car he hadda shoot ‘em. Says they was aplayin’ that dangerous rap music so loud as to nearly ascared him to death! Claims he done it ‘acause that “Stand Yer Ground Law” say he could.
Abner: Well! I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! You mean if’n I pisses you off so bad, even if I done it on purpose, that I says you was so mad that I thought you was ‘agoin’ t’kill me dead, I can just shoot you in cold blood? That’s nearly the dumbest freakin’ thin’ I ever heared in my entire adult life!
Clem: How kin you say such a thin’ ‘bout the Florida Legislatia knowin’ that I were a proud member of that there State Senate fer nigh onto thirty years?
Abner: That don’t really change nuffin at all, Clem. Why I feels I’s in danger o’ my life just ‘bout ever time I’s near one o’ them young Nigra bucks myself. That don’ mean I kin just shoot the poor unsuspectin’ sonofabitch do it! Dat would be plum stupid, wouldn’t it?
Clem: Y’all tellin me dat me and da Florida State Senate’s both stupid? If’n you is, you’re askin’ fer big trouble!
Abner: I sure ain’t askin fer no trouble at all, Clem, but if’n a bunch o’ us white men keep akillin’ young Nigra boys just ‘acause dey looks ascary, then what’s ta stop dem po’ Nigras fum killin’ any white guys they sees who’s not a cop who’s acarryin’ a gun fo’ no good reason at all?
Clem: You’s asayin us white guys is ascary and some young Nigra gots da right to murder me just ‘acause I’s white and acarryin’? Dat’s plum ridiculous. Why I ain’t ascary at all! I carries this here gun fo’ protection! I ain’t agoin’ t’let no young Nigra buck scare me! I’ll blow dat po’ bastard away in a New Yo’k minute if’n he come too close or if’n he dares to touch me!
Abner: Hate to tell you, Clem, but it be even worser than yer even athinkin’! I heared that yer stupid legislatia is athinkin’ ‘bout extendin’ that stupid law even further! Don’t they know, if’n they akeep agoin’, amakin’ it easier and easier fo’ white folk ta kill Nigra folk, Clem- by the way, I never heared o’ no Nigra claimin’ ta have shot a white guy ‘acause o’ dat “Stand Yer Ground Law”- den young Nigras’ll be allowed to kill any legislata stupid ‘nough to pass laws amakin’ it easy to kill a Nigra fo’ no reason at all and aget away wid it!
Clem: You best stop insultin’ me and my friends in the Florida Legislatia! Callin us “stupid” fo’ allowin’ white folk to defend theirselfs like G-d hisself said in our beloved Constitution. Dat oughta be ‘nough fo’ me to ashoot you here and now. Don’t yo forgit, I’s apackin’!
Abner: And so you is, Clem. And so is I, and if you was a poor Nigra and I was you, yo’ po’ Nigra ass would be six feet under da ground! And All I’d say is “I was astandin’ my ground and he were agoin’ t’kill me wid dat gun he was apackin’. Ever time he reminded me that he was apackin’, I just got me more and more ascared. Finally I was so ascared, I had to shoot him!”
Al Finkelstein (O’Finky) 2/23/14