The O'Finky Factor

Abner and Clem- Episode 2

Abner and Clem, two rather intelligent conservatives, continue their daily conversation over breakfast as they have almost every day for the past 30 years.  Let’s eavesdrop on the two of them as they share a rare moment of agreement.

Clem: Good thin’ we’s sech agood friends, Abner.  Ya’ ahad me aflustered t’other day w’ dat “Stand Yer Ground Law.”  Almost ahad me athinkin’ mebbe I’s some kinda murderer fer helpin t’pass a law like dat.  Imagine arrestin legislata’s jest fer amakin laws dat happen to kill a few innocent young Nigras by mistake.  Cain’t hardly blame ‘em fer it, kin ya?

Abner:  Ya’ might be aright Clem.  Ain’t no law agin’ bein’ stupid or dat poor President “Junior,” he still be in prison til he died o’ natural causes!  Kowin’ dat temper o’ your’n, ha’ever, we best not been talkin ’bout dat law no mo’.  What’s dat Supreme Court decision I heared ‘bout t’other day- “Citizens United agin’ th’ Lection Board.?”  Seems da Court athinks dat me donatin’ ten million dolla’s to a candidate through one o’ them “PAC’s” ain’t really a bribe, it’s jest me expressin’ my agreein’ opinion wid his’n!

Clem:  Well Ah’ll be!  Did dem folks even ask if’n dat agreein’ opinion was afore o’ after dat ten million dolla’ “encouragement?”  Even Ah b’lieves dats one crooked opinion!  How much dey pay dem phony judges t’say dat anyhow?

Abner: What’s even worser, Clem, is dat ah cain’t figger if da president, Attorney Gener’l Uncle Tom Holder and dat bee-yoo-tiful Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann musta all agot da same dummy ta atake dem law exams.  If’n dem judges is asayin’ dat campaign bribes is aprotected by “freedom o’ speech” acause it be a expression o’ opinion, den votin must abee pertected as”freedom o’ speech.  Why votin be nuffin but a expression o’ dat voter’s opinion!

Clem:  Den what da president, Uncle Tom Holder and all dem judge friendso’ hisn doin back dere in Washinton, playin wid each udder?  If’n votin’s “freedom o’ speech,” den da Constitution, it say dey cain’t pass no law what “a-b-r-i-d-g-e-s” it, kin dey?  Why dey’ds apassin all kinds o’ stupid laws dese days akeepin’ good folk, mostly Nigras and mynorities fum avotin.  Why do Uncle Tom Holder be lettin’ em do dat?  Why ain’t them varmints in jail whey dey belongs?  Somebody need to wake up dat president.and his shiffless attorney general!

Abner:  Fo’ once Ah actially belees you, Clem.  Why Ah read dat dat guv’nor o’ owa state o’ Florida and dat legal conkybine o’ hisn peronally cheated real regist’d votahs outa deir Constitutional right t’ avote!  Somehow dey only done it to liberals and minorities, even war heroes!  Uncle Tom sent ‘em a polite “please adon’t ya adoit leeter to stop, but no neva you mind when dey tol’ him to stick it whey da sun do’ shine.  You figger da president and Uncle Tom’s a too ascared o’ us conservatives to arrest dat guv’nor and dat cute, but empty headed legal concubine o’ hisn?